Past the Initial Shock

So now that I'm past the initial shock of seeing the 300 on the scale I'm back to no longer be grateful for just being under that. Yesterday I weighed at 290. It could be worse I've found, but that doesn't seem enough anymore.
I want to be healthy, I don't want to feel extra stuff on my body. I don't want to get winded doing stuff. Unfortunately I'm having issues with others things on my body. Such as my ankles have something wrong and if I use them too much I start limping.
But in my determination I have made a new routine. When I wake up in the morning first thing I do is pray, then read scriptures, followed by doing yoga for as long as I can. I started this yesterday. Yesterday I did yoga as long as my ankles could stand. Today I did it until my sweet Sierra woke up and needed attention. But I'm determined and these are good steps in the right direction. Now I just need to keep it up, and I'm sure the next step will show itself.

Mood Swings and Chocolate

With the beginning of my last period I started having mood swings. Mostly I have become easily upset. I use to almost never get upset but in the last week I find myself getting upset more than ever over stupid things. I also keep getting headaches and cravings for chocolate.

Whenever I have some chocolate (especially if its with mint) I find myself calming down. I don't know if its physocological or physical or both. But I keep gravitating towards chocolate and I don't like it. I hate feeling like I need something to help me. That's it. I'm not having any chocolate today. None.

Now if only I can find time to dance, and maybe someone to dance with..........................Ah, wishful thinking.

Another Week

This last week I was PMSing and definitely had a little bloating going on with it. Which doesn't exactly make a person feel good about how they look. But Yesterday I measured myself again after showering and I was 287, which I am happy enough with. Especially since Monday was my Sierra's 3rd birthday so I hadn't exactly eaten very healthy. But I did get some running around in.

Right now I'm depressed. Clinical depression is something I've helped people I love with my whole life. Its a very real curse that surrounds my life every moment of every day, in other people. Its very rare that my own depression decides to show its ugly head, and it makes things hard. I'm the person people lean on, so when I start to filter I don't usually have much under me. I probably could. I mean I could look into antidepressants (which Andrew thinks I should), but I don't think I have depression consistent enough to medicate it. I have lots of people who love me and are willing to catch me or at least give me a push up. LOTS of people. But I've always been very selective about that. I mean even if I lean on you once there is a high chance I never will again. I feel like that's something that I will find what I need through prayer, or my husband. And well My husband is the most amazing husband, so much more than I ever that I could have. I love him so much, and am so grateful for him. But his depression makes mine look like a simple frown in passing. So I am without his support right now.

Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point is that my weight is semi-reasonable. And I will be able to do this. Hopefully my depression won't stop me from keeping my eyes on the prize of good health, God willing.

I did it!

So just about 20 minutes ago I was finally able to take a shower today and when I got out finally talked myself into just going for it.
For the first time since that nightmare weight I weighed myself. I am at 295! I'll take it. I never thought I'd be so happy to see that weight. But compared to 300 for me it's amazing.
Now one of these days I'll just have to figure out how to get down another 100 lbs. But for now I'm just resting and drinking lots of water. My LittleOne was throwing up last week, and finally got over it. But today I started, bleh. This too will pass, and I will respect my body. My body is worth it!

.......Not Yet

I keep trying to get started and then something happens. I feel like my body and life are in a Not Yet rut. I need to start paying attention, and exercising more. But everyone in our house have been sick all week last week, except me (Though when your two year old is sick it seems to be an extension of yourself). Now I seem to be the one sick. I haven't even weighed myself since that nightmare....
Not yet, I got to get past that. But today's the 4th, my sister's birthdays in a couple days, then a few days after that is my daughters. And about a week and a half of that is my husbands, then brothers. Thats a lot of cake/pie. But I can be strong. I can do this. My body is worth it.... right?

A Beginning

So, I will never forget one of the most depressing days of my life when I realized that I weighed more than everyone in my family besides my Father, who is extremely overweight. I was in 5th grade and weighed over 200 pounds. A little after that I started to obsess over getting down in weight. I wanted to atleast weigh less than my brother who is 7 years older than me. Or really any of my older siblings (besides my brother I also have three older sisters). I would get up early drink lots of water and every minute of my day was planned. I did something like 500 situps a day, ran for forever. And much more. I wanted it more than anything. I ate but made sure it was mostly fruits and vegetables. By sixth grade all I had for lunch everyday was an apple. But in 6th grade something happened that helped me accept my situation.
We measured our fat percentage in PE one day. Mine was the only one of my friends who was in the healthy zone. (And they all weighed less & looked better than I).
But now one of my worst nightmares have come true. The weight I always wanted to prevent has happened.(Here's me summer after 6th grade.)
My oldest sister recently lost a lot of weight and after I discovered my nightmare she suggested keeping track. So I'm trying this because I think it might make me feel responsible to report.
So, here it goes..........