Tempted

I have never believed in extremes, yet part of me is starting to wonder if I'll have to do something big to get where I feel I need to be. Even though my weight is at 290, everytime I think about it the numbers 190 keep coming to mind. I wonder if I could actually reach that weight. I have only dreamed of that. But... Well I'm wondering. I keep thinking of doing something like cutting bread and dairy out of my diet for a month or something and see what happens. I'm not sure though. I know that things like that only help if you are going to commit to a change in your life. I don't think I could do a permanent change. But I want to be healthier.
I'm now thinking that my options with my ankles are decreasing. I haven't even been able to do any yoga this week because of my ankles. Its getting bad.

I wan to be healthy. I want to feel better. I want to be capable, and feel capable of the things I'm passionate about. What's it going to take? I am actually capable of hearing the answer to that?

Ankles

I truly am grateful to have ankles. I mean who doesn't enjoy being able to bend there? But! I am sick of mine. My life is getting harder because of the pain in mine. I keep trying to be diligent in yoga, but I can only get so far before my feet and ankles are yelling, "ENOUGH!" Then I'm limping for a good time after. And its not just yoga, yoga is actually probably the easiest on them. But I need to exercise. I feel so much better about myself. I'm actually acting like myself, and I feel like myself. It's a small amount of me time. But its mine, and it allows me to remember how good my body is to me and why it deserves better health.
Blech. I do not like these ankles and the throbbing coming. I haven't seen a Dr about them in years. But I'm just about to the point I might. I just have to find time. ........................................................Has anybody found that new body parts store yet? (Yes I am being sarcastic.)

Past the Initial Shock

So now that I'm past the initial shock of seeing the 300 on the scale I'm back to no longer be grateful for just being under that. Yesterday I weighed at 290. It could be worse I've found, but that doesn't seem enough anymore.
I want to be healthy, I don't want to feel extra stuff on my body. I don't want to get winded doing stuff. Unfortunately I'm having issues with others things on my body. Such as my ankles have something wrong and if I use them too much I start limping.
But in my determination I have made a new routine. When I wake up in the morning first thing I do is pray, then read scriptures, followed by doing yoga for as long as I can. I started this yesterday. Yesterday I did yoga as long as my ankles could stand. Today I did it until my sweet Sierra woke up and needed attention. But I'm determined and these are good steps in the right direction. Now I just need to keep it up, and I'm sure the next step will show itself.

Mood Swings and Chocolate

With the beginning of my last period I started having mood swings. Mostly I have become easily upset. I use to almost never get upset but in the last week I find myself getting upset more than ever over stupid things. I also keep getting headaches and cravings for chocolate.

Whenever I have some chocolate (especially if its with mint) I find myself calming down. I don't know if its physocological or physical or both. But I keep gravitating towards chocolate and I don't like it. I hate feeling like I need something to help me. That's it. I'm not having any chocolate today. None.

Now if only I can find time to dance, and maybe someone to dance with..........................Ah, wishful thinking.

Another Week

This last week I was PMSing and definitely had a little bloating going on with it. Which doesn't exactly make a person feel good about how they look. But Yesterday I measured myself again after showering and I was 287, which I am happy enough with. Especially since Monday was my Sierra's 3rd birthday so I hadn't exactly eaten very healthy. But I did get some running around in.

Right now I'm depressed. Clinical depression is something I've helped people I love with my whole life. Its a very real curse that surrounds my life every moment of every day, in other people. Its very rare that my own depression decides to show its ugly head, and it makes things hard. I'm the person people lean on, so when I start to filter I don't usually have much under me. I probably could. I mean I could look into antidepressants (which Andrew thinks I should), but I don't think I have depression consistent enough to medicate it. I have lots of people who love me and are willing to catch me or at least give me a push up. LOTS of people. But I've always been very selective about that. I mean even if I lean on you once there is a high chance I never will again. I feel like that's something that I will find what I need through prayer, or my husband. And well My husband is the most amazing husband, so much more than I ever that I could have. I love him so much, and am so grateful for him. But his depression makes mine look like a simple frown in passing. So I am without his support right now.

Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point is that my weight is semi-reasonable. And I will be able to do this. Hopefully my depression won't stop me from keeping my eyes on the prize of good health, God willing.

I did it!

So just about 20 minutes ago I was finally able to take a shower today and when I got out finally talked myself into just going for it.
For the first time since that nightmare weight I weighed myself. I am at 295! I'll take it. I never thought I'd be so happy to see that weight. But compared to 300 for me it's amazing.
Now one of these days I'll just have to figure out how to get down another 100 lbs. But for now I'm just resting and drinking lots of water. My LittleOne was throwing up last week, and finally got over it. But today I started, bleh. This too will pass, and I will respect my body. My body is worth it!

.......Not Yet

I keep trying to get started and then something happens. I feel like my body and life are in a Not Yet rut. I need to start paying attention, and exercising more. But everyone in our house have been sick all week last week, except me (Though when your two year old is sick it seems to be an extension of yourself). Now I seem to be the one sick. I haven't even weighed myself since that nightmare....
Not yet, I got to get past that. But today's the 4th, my sister's birthdays in a couple days, then a few days after that is my daughters. And about a week and a half of that is my husbands, then brothers. Thats a lot of cake/pie. But I can be strong. I can do this. My body is worth it.... right?