BedRest

So in not so many words, I'm on a lenient bed rest order. I VERY much so dislike it at this point. But what am I going to do when the pain starts when I try to do the smallest thing. I can ignore it but then I'm dealing with it pretty severe the next couple of days like I've learned this week.
There's so much going on. I want to be a part of it, but I can only do so much.
I want to know I matter, that the love I have offered up to so many isn't just sitting there ignored. That no matter what happens I'm not going to be forgotten.
I wish I could be there more for some. I might need more help with something than I'm getting, or Sierra might have to pay.
Sierra is such a bright and beautiful young woman. She gets things, she understands, she makes connections even some pretty obscure ones for a three year old. She's brilliant, loving, caring, Motherly, and deserves the siblings she's been begging for that I know now will be a miracle too when they come.
Andrew's to a point where he can sing 'Lead Kindly Light' in his heart. I can too most the time. But right now. Right now I'm praying this pain isn't a sign I need to wait too much longer for Sierra's siblings. And that I can handle being tied down in the mean time.
I'm grateful I'm not alone. I'm grateful that I know I'm not alone. Thanks for letting me be selfish.

2 or 3 Months

So right now, after a couple of days of testing I have no real answers. I probably won't till Monday. But even then, I've seen the results, just haven't heard the Dr's opinion. But last we talked he said he wants me to still take things easy, and not do anything different (included not trying to loose weight) for the next 2 or 3 months. So I don't know what that will bring, but I won't be trying to loose weight anytime soon.

Interesting Things

I have had some.... interesting things happening with my body lately. I went to see the Dr yesterday, he basically said, 'Let's take some tests.' So, for now.... All I have to say is you shall have to wait with me to find out the answers.

I guess I should update

So I started PT and seeing a Podiatrist. It actually seems to be helping. But Andrew just had surgery, and taking care of him has taken a higher priority.
My feet have Achilles tendinitis. I will take care of myself, but I just need to find the time. Right now I'd rather spend that time reading scriptures and studying rather than stretches & PT. I'll find a way.
Yesterday was the actual surgery and in the midst of it I forgot to stop and weigh myself like I normally do on Tuesdays. So that will wait until next week.
I've been PMSing lately but besides that I'm doing great. I feel much healthier and directed in my health than I have in a while.
I've also started using Andrew's Mother's treadclimber. I really enjoy it, and it feels refreshing. I'm a little sore if I get all the time I want on it (that hasn't happened yet, but I have gotten up to 45 min numerous times).

Tempted

I have never believed in extremes, yet part of me is starting to wonder if I'll have to do something big to get where I feel I need to be. Even though my weight is at 290, everytime I think about it the numbers 190 keep coming to mind. I wonder if I could actually reach that weight. I have only dreamed of that. But... Well I'm wondering. I keep thinking of doing something like cutting bread and dairy out of my diet for a month or something and see what happens. I'm not sure though. I know that things like that only help if you are going to commit to a change in your life. I don't think I could do a permanent change. But I want to be healthier.
I'm now thinking that my options with my ankles are decreasing. I haven't even been able to do any yoga this week because of my ankles. Its getting bad.

I wan to be healthy. I want to feel better. I want to be capable, and feel capable of the things I'm passionate about. What's it going to take? I am actually capable of hearing the answer to that?

Ankles

I truly am grateful to have ankles. I mean who doesn't enjoy being able to bend there? But! I am sick of mine. My life is getting harder because of the pain in mine. I keep trying to be diligent in yoga, but I can only get so far before my feet and ankles are yelling, "ENOUGH!" Then I'm limping for a good time after. And its not just yoga, yoga is actually probably the easiest on them. But I need to exercise. I feel so much better about myself. I'm actually acting like myself, and I feel like myself. It's a small amount of me time. But its mine, and it allows me to remember how good my body is to me and why it deserves better health.
Blech. I do not like these ankles and the throbbing coming. I haven't seen a Dr about them in years. But I'm just about to the point I might. I just have to find time. ........................................................Has anybody found that new body parts store yet? (Yes I am being sarcastic.)

Past the Initial Shock

So now that I'm past the initial shock of seeing the 300 on the scale I'm back to no longer be grateful for just being under that. Yesterday I weighed at 290. It could be worse I've found, but that doesn't seem enough anymore.
I want to be healthy, I don't want to feel extra stuff on my body. I don't want to get winded doing stuff. Unfortunately I'm having issues with others things on my body. Such as my ankles have something wrong and if I use them too much I start limping.
But in my determination I have made a new routine. When I wake up in the morning first thing I do is pray, then read scriptures, followed by doing yoga for as long as I can. I started this yesterday. Yesterday I did yoga as long as my ankles could stand. Today I did it until my sweet Sierra woke up and needed attention. But I'm determined and these are good steps in the right direction. Now I just need to keep it up, and I'm sure the next step will show itself.

Mood Swings and Chocolate

With the beginning of my last period I started having mood swings. Mostly I have become easily upset. I use to almost never get upset but in the last week I find myself getting upset more than ever over stupid things. I also keep getting headaches and cravings for chocolate.

Whenever I have some chocolate (especially if its with mint) I find myself calming down. I don't know if its physocological or physical or both. But I keep gravitating towards chocolate and I don't like it. I hate feeling like I need something to help me. That's it. I'm not having any chocolate today. None.

Now if only I can find time to dance, and maybe someone to dance with..........................Ah, wishful thinking.

Another Week

This last week I was PMSing and definitely had a little bloating going on with it. Which doesn't exactly make a person feel good about how they look. But Yesterday I measured myself again after showering and I was 287, which I am happy enough with. Especially since Monday was my Sierra's 3rd birthday so I hadn't exactly eaten very healthy. But I did get some running around in.

Right now I'm depressed. Clinical depression is something I've helped people I love with my whole life. Its a very real curse that surrounds my life every moment of every day, in other people. Its very rare that my own depression decides to show its ugly head, and it makes things hard. I'm the person people lean on, so when I start to filter I don't usually have much under me. I probably could. I mean I could look into antidepressants (which Andrew thinks I should), but I don't think I have depression consistent enough to medicate it. I have lots of people who love me and are willing to catch me or at least give me a push up. LOTS of people. But I've always been very selective about that. I mean even if I lean on you once there is a high chance I never will again. I feel like that's something that I will find what I need through prayer, or my husband. And well My husband is the most amazing husband, so much more than I ever that I could have. I love him so much, and am so grateful for him. But his depression makes mine look like a simple frown in passing. So I am without his support right now.

Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point is that my weight is semi-reasonable. And I will be able to do this. Hopefully my depression won't stop me from keeping my eyes on the prize of good health, God willing.

I did it!

So just about 20 minutes ago I was finally able to take a shower today and when I got out finally talked myself into just going for it.
For the first time since that nightmare weight I weighed myself. I am at 295! I'll take it. I never thought I'd be so happy to see that weight. But compared to 300 for me it's amazing.
Now one of these days I'll just have to figure out how to get down another 100 lbs. But for now I'm just resting and drinking lots of water. My LittleOne was throwing up last week, and finally got over it. But today I started, bleh. This too will pass, and I will respect my body. My body is worth it!

.......Not Yet

I keep trying to get started and then something happens. I feel like my body and life are in a Not Yet rut. I need to start paying attention, and exercising more. But everyone in our house have been sick all week last week, except me (Though when your two year old is sick it seems to be an extension of yourself). Now I seem to be the one sick. I haven't even weighed myself since that nightmare....
Not yet, I got to get past that. But today's the 4th, my sister's birthdays in a couple days, then a few days after that is my daughters. And about a week and a half of that is my husbands, then brothers. Thats a lot of cake/pie. But I can be strong. I can do this. My body is worth it.... right?

A Beginning

So, I will never forget one of the most depressing days of my life when I realized that I weighed more than everyone in my family besides my Father, who is extremely overweight. I was in 5th grade and weighed over 200 pounds. A little after that I started to obsess over getting down in weight. I wanted to atleast weigh less than my brother who is 7 years older than me. Or really any of my older siblings (besides my brother I also have three older sisters). I would get up early drink lots of water and every minute of my day was planned. I did something like 500 situps a day, ran for forever. And much more. I wanted it more than anything. I ate but made sure it was mostly fruits and vegetables. By sixth grade all I had for lunch everyday was an apple. But in 6th grade something happened that helped me accept my situation.
We measured our fat percentage in PE one day. Mine was the only one of my friends who was in the healthy zone. (And they all weighed less & looked better than I).
But now one of my worst nightmares have come true. The weight I always wanted to prevent has happened.(Here's me summer after 6th grade.)
My oldest sister recently lost a lot of weight and after I discovered my nightmare she suggested keeping track. So I'm trying this because I think it might make me feel responsible to report.
So, here it goes..........